Walking the Line Between "Yes" and "No"

Here's the problem that constantly wages war inside my head: I am, first and foremost, a people pleaser.  I am also very fearful.

So what does that mean, and why is that a problem for me?

As a people pleaser, I constantly feel the need to say "yes."  I want-slash-need people to like me, and I want-slash-need people to tell me that.  God forbid someone thinks poorly of me.  It's the kind of thing that keeps me up at night as I analyze every detail of every single thing I did for the entire day, picking out my worst moments and replaying them endlessly.  I think about things I did weeks, months, years ago and relive them all in agony.  I'm a perfectionist, I'm a people-pleaser... and I'm exhausted by it.  I want to do, say, and be the things that will make people like me, for whatever reason.  Whatever drives this need is still a mystery to me that I'm trying to solve, but whatever it may be, it's there.

On quite the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm kind of not awesome with interacting with people, which makes it all the harder at getting people to like me (or FEELING like they like me).  I fear change.  I hate being outside of my comfort zone, which is teeny-tiny to begin with.  I'm an introvert, have been my entire life, way before Buzzfeed and tumblr and social media in general felt the need to tell me all the ways I could identify this about myself.  It's almost like they're trying to make it a cool and desirable thing to be, so, score one for Erica?

But what this creates for me is this terrifying torture of being caught between "yes" and "no."  I desperately want to say yes, but I am constantly drawn towards saying no.  And whatever decision I finally decide upon always feels like the wrong one.  Yes, once I get through it, I usually tell myself I'm glad I picked whatever I did, and I learned whatever I was meant to learn, but honestly, it's an exhausting process.

I'm trying, really hard.  I'm trying to say yes more often to the things that frighten me, and I'm trying to say no more often to the things I know aren't in my best interests or worth my anxiety.  I really am trying.  Please forgive the shakiness in my voice and any hesitation I might have prior to giving you an answer that scares me.

This has been a pointless post by yours truly.