Wow. Just... wow. On August 1, 2011, I began a journey in the hopes that I could teach myself a lesson. Wow. I'm sitting here trying to think of the words to sum up all that I've learned. I can't believe it's been a whole year, and at the same time, I can't believe it's been only a year.
Last summer, I was not in a very good place mentally. I was in a pretty dark place, mentally, and struggling to escape and see any value to anything I did. To get myself through, I started making myself list something good about my day each night before I fell asleep, but it wasn't enough. I could hardly sleep for the anxiety and anguish that I was experiencing. I finally decided that my little mental lists weren't enough. I had to commit to the idea that not only did I have numerous things to be happy about, but that the world itself had numerous good things to offer. I approached my beautiful friend Jessica and asked if she would embark on this journey with me of discovering, writing, and thus capturing one good thing about each day for an entire year.
We picked out our journals within the week. I'll post a picture with my next entry of what the back cover wound up looking like after a year of being thrown around and dragged to different states, and even to a different country. ;)
First and foremost, I'm pretty darn proud of myself. I was struggling and in a bad place, and I made the effort to live myself out. I took a positive action to change myself and my views, and for that, I find a sense of accomplishment. And I only missed one day out of the whole year (which I promptly wrote the next morning upon discovering my mistake)!
My ultimate goal was to change my outlook on life pretty permanently, through repetition-- forming a habit of noticing the good things surrounding me. I couldn't take journaling anymore, as I often focused on the bad and negative things, lamenting over their influence on me. I had to relegate myself to only good things. And it worked. During the day, I'd latch onto all sorts of good things, wondering if they were going to make my OGTAD journal that night. Rereading old entries, I knew there were some days that bad things really did happen, but all I have left are the positive memories I wrote. I started approaching my days differently, especially if I knew they were going to be tough or stressful: I had to come away with something good for my journal, even if I had to create something good just to have an entry.
It was, in a word, amazing. I was no longer a pawn being moved by the day. I had to play an active part in each and every day, which I suspect is how I should have been living my life since it began. But I'm glad I caught myself sooner rather than later.
So, I'm not entirely sure where I'll go from here. Part of me wants to test myself and see if I can keep this frame of mind without having to resort to a journal every night. Have I truly developed a skill and a permanent mindset of seeing the good in my days? Of being able to identify what I'm thankful for at the end of each day, without letting the anxiety take over shortly thereafter? I'm also scared that maybe the answer is no-- and I don't want to slip back to the bad place again.
My journal still has a few blank pages left, so I figure I'll keep writing until those are all used up. Buy myself some more time to make my decision. I don't know yet. What I do know is that this past year has been an absolutely incredible one, and I'm so grateful to have a book of awesome memories to keep. I have learned so much about my life, and about life in general.
Tomorrow or Friday, I think I'll share some of my favorite "good thing" entries. Stay tuned! :)
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