The Beginning of the End

I've finished all of the work that I had planned on doing tonight, so I'm indulging in a small writing break before getting a jump start on the work that I've set for myself tomorrow.  Happy Tuesday to all reading!  I can't believe it's only Tuesday.  I feel like I've done enough work for an entire month in the last two days alone.

What struck me as particularly frightening today was the fact that today was my very last honors seminar. Through the honors director's permission, I don't have to take one next semester, and I didn't even think about it until we had about 10 minutes left in today's seminar.  And because of the construction starting in the union next semester, today was the last time I would ever sit in that forum.

A lot of "lasts" are happening, and they're happening fast.  Fast lasts.  I think this post's title sounds very dramatic, but it's all I can think about right now.  I'm trying not to dwell on it, but with this as my last spring semester, and with my last semester ever coming up, I'm facing a ton of changes and "lasts" and whatnot.  And we allll know how good I am at dealing with things like this.  I had a small burst of terror when I logged in to make this blog entry only to find that the blog site had changed.  None of the buttons were where they used to be.  The page that I'm typing this on is so very different from how it normally is.

A part of me knows that in time, I will forget what the old blog site looked like and will get just as used to this version as I did the last.  It's the time between now and then that frustrates me and brings out the irritable child within me that has to stick to a schedule, has to have things her way, and has to be right.  I've been working so hard on moving on from that part of myself.  It's certainly easier to get over small changes than it used to be (aha, a change within myself!).  Changing myself to get used to changes.  Irony?  I never was very good at identifying it.

But all of these "lasts" pertaining to such a big chapter of my life-- college-- is a lot to swallow all at once.  I know that all of these ends are just making way for more beginnings, which are good in theory, but in my most childish terms: it's scary.  I can't believe how quickly this semester has flown by and am terrified at how the fall semester is going to go.  I'm 21, but feel so young and unknowledgeable.  At what point do I become confident and take charge of my own life?  I feel like I've been waiting for this to just happen to me when really, I need to step up to the plate and make it happen for myself.

This week truly starts the beginning of the end of my college career.  My anxiety is set on high.  I think that the goals that I've set for myself over the past year have been leading up to helping me handle these next few months.  I only hope that I can make myself proud with how I face everything that comes my way.