Writers Read and Readers Write

I love to read.  I think that may go without saying.  I used to tear through books as quickly as I could get my hands on them when I was younger.  To say that I was a voracious reader would be an understatement.  My punishments were often having my book of the day taken away.  I would get a new book from the store or the library, and my mother would have to keep it from me until we got home-- she would be annoyed at how far I would get into a book just on the ride home.

And then there was the traumatic Heidi incident.  At my elementary school, we had the AR program.  Certain books were marked as part of the program, and each book had a different point value assigned (the more difficult reading level or length of the book, the more points the book was worth).  When you finished reading the book, you took a test on the library's computer, and your score on the test determined how many AR points you received out of the book's given point value.  I loooved the AR program and would tear through books to get more points.

And then Heidi.  Oh, Heidi.  In fourth grade, I went for Heidi because it had a high point value... but I accidentally read the abridged version.  I had no idea that there was such a thing as "abridged" and "unabridged" books.  Needless to say, the AR test pulled questions from the unabridged version, and to my shame and horror, I failed the AR test.  My reading pace slowed down considerably from then-- I read books so carefully, I take in every word-- if I skip a word and try to pass over it, it eats at me until I go back and reread the entire page.  I don't know if this is entirely Heidi's fault, or if I've just grown to be a more careful reader over time.  Regardless, I've turned into a relatively slow reader.

But I love reading.  I love books so much.  I could write hundreds of blog posts on why I love books to such a degree.  Unfortunately, my commitment to my schoolwork often overtakes the time I would normally dedicate to reading for pleasure.  I have been trying to read more for my own purposes, not for school, but I find it difficult.  And then I tried to tackle Les Mis last summer, and fell short.  I promised that I wouldn't read any other books except those for school until I finished Les Mis (I broke that promise, but only a little).  It was kind of... dare I say... miserable.

So this summer, I made another promise to myself.  I would read 15 books (roughly one for every week of summer).  This would have been nothing a few years ago, but it was a BIG goal for the Erica of today.  I finished Les Mis before my 15 weeks started and then started.  My books were all different lengths (one being quite short indeed...), and I finished 14.5 books in my allotted time.  I'm still working on that last one!  My list does not include the books that I've read so many times I can nearly recite them, which I always pick up on the odd day and polish off passages just for the fun of it.

The purpose of my goal was to rediscover how much FUN reading is.  My creative writing teacher, Ms. Hopkins, told us that if we truly love something, we should have to find time to STOP doing it, not try to make time FOR it.  She was right.  It's something that she said in passing, and I don't think she expected it to resonate with anyone, but it's something that has burrowed its way into my brain and stuck with me ever since.  And I'm proud to say that this summer, I found myself have to convince myself to put my book down and do something else from time to time.  I was immersed in literature again.

I read new things and old things.  I read graphic novels, which I've never done before.  I read an autobiography, which I've never done before.  I read nonfiction, which I normally dislike.  I read a play, which I have only done voluntarily (not for school) once before.  This was another side trip in this journey of bettering myself and getting towards the Erica I want to be.  I'm so glad I did this for myself.  As I learned in 6th grade from my teacher Mrs. North, writers read and readers write.  The two go hand in hand.  And, as part of my journey of bettering myself by exploring
my subconscious and handling my personal issues through writing, I must, of course, write-- and to write better, I must read.

Does that make any sense?  Not only was it important for me to get back to doing something I love, it was also important to include this as an actual step in my journey.  Ironically, I feel horribly scatterbrained and as if I'm not making much sense tonight.  I think I might be repeating myself, too.

I apologize if this blog post is not as well-written as I would normally like, but I've got half an eye on one of my favorite shows, Criminal Minds, and half my attention glancing back at my book, as I try to decide which I want to focus all of my attention on after I post this... ;)

My summer reading, though not in the order in which they're stacked:

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo (finished)
Home by Julie Andrews
A Glamorously Unglamorous Life by Julia Albain
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis 2 by Marjane Satrapi
Twisted by Laurie Halse Anderson (an all-time favorite author!)
Paper Towns by John Green
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
I am the Messenger by Markus Zusak (a new favorite author!)
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw
Milkweed by Jerry Spinelli (reread)
The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman (reread)
The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman (reread)
The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman (reread... and not done yet!)

Journal Excerpt, August 13, 2012

My eyes are burning, and I doubt I can take this much longer.  I cannot wait for my LIFE to start taking shape.  If I could just have some sense of direction!  The stars travel in their fixed paths every night without weariness.  I travel such an erratic path.  To know the stolidness of the stars!  To know my destiny, day in and day out, and to be of such a nature as to have no complaint about it.  But, of course, the stars don't actually move at all-- they are steady, fixed points, and I imagine that I would dislike that very much.  So though I fear change, I am capable of imagining my displeasure at never moving, never changing, never growing-- that life would be even more intolerable than I find the act of adaptation to be.  I am content to admire the stars, but to envy them no longer.

"Star trails" photographed from the Australian outback.

Favorite OGTAD Entries

As promised!  I only meant to post a few, but I got carried away.  Kudos if you make it through all of them.  Many are too personal to be shared in a blog, but these are just some that are especially close to my heart.

This is my journal after a year of good things.  Sorry it's sideways!  Kind of beat up... as it should be.

Day #5: August 5, 2011
Today was my last day of work.  I SURVIVED.  I didn't quit or play hooky or completely give up.  I stuck it out, learned some things, and left feeling like I conquered something.  They bought me a little cake and a cat balloon and told me how much they appreciated my work-- whatever I did, I did it.


Day #9: August 9, 2011
I went to drop off donation money for Christine Johnson's St. Baldrick's event- she is going to shave her head for cancer.  When I got there, she asked me to come inside and showed me a framed drawing hanging on the wall.  It was the pen and ink streetcar drawing that I did with Mr. Cummisky in tenth grade.  I was so full of emotion that I could barely speak.  I never knew where the drawing had gone after having been auctioned off.  Christine introduced me to her parents, who seemed happy to meet "the girl who had done the drawing."  I was just blown away by having the opportunity to see my art hanging up in someone else's house.  I'm so grateful Christine took the time to show me it today.

Day #14: August 14, 2011
I decided to take my Mac to the Apple store because the battery was not holding a charge, and I wanted to get it fixed before schools tarted.  The guy that looked at my computer was very nice, patient, and explanatory.  The battery was supposed to cost $99, but because something was not in stock in the back, he gave me the new battery FOR FREE!  He could have made me come back another day and pay, but he gave me a brand new battery free of charge (pun).  I feel so blessed and grateful!  Very thankful he was "assigned" to me.


Day #18: August 18, 2011
(excerpt- 4 year anniversary with Michael) I'm so blessed to be in a strong and lasting relationship with someone who turned out to be my best friend and is truly my other half.  Sometimes I can't believe how much work it is, and sometimes I can't believe how easy and effortless it is.  I am in LOVE with Michael Tran and his love and presence in my life is the best example of a "Good Thing" that I can think of.

Day #61: September 30, 2011
I'm home from Lafayette today!  Because Michael is moving, I came in to help him pack, and thus discovered my "good thing": He has kept EVERY SINGLE note/letter/drawing I've ever given him.  Every last scrap of paper, card, envelope, Post-It, the whole shebang.  It floored me-- it was actually quite sweet.  I couldn't believe (or remember) half the stuff we found.  WOW.


Day #74: October 13, 2011
Today... was not a happy day.  But I am learning to focus on the good things.  Jessica, Shelsey, Richard and I got ice cream from Sidelines today after lunch and hung out by the swamp like we used to do when we were freshmen.  (...)  I am learning, and it's hard, but I hope this journal helps.  Each day is a gift to be appreciated.

Day #80: October 19, 2011
This evening was incredible.  Went to the SYTYCD season 8 tour- wow.  The dances were breathtaking.  I feel absolutely privileged to have seen them live.  (...) And I met Melanie Moore!  She was exactly like I imagined her to be, very human and real.  I'm so happy I was able to go.


Day #90: October 29, 2011
Good day!!  Sorely needed.  Went to BR to meet up with Michael, Danny, Sarah, and Miles.  Walked around the mall for about 3 hours with them; got my "Miles fix" (haven't seen him in so long!).  Then Michael and I went caching, got our 300th cache.  It was a gorgeous day.  At Cracker Barrel for dinner- we paid for someone else's meal.  It was genuine joy.  I was so glad to have been away from Lafayette, to do NO work, to have fun, and to put another good deed out in the world.

Day #107: November 15, 2011
Today, I am thankful that my only stress is school-related.  I am lucky and blessed to even be able to afford going to school and living in a nice apartment.  I have my health, a family that loves me, the best boyfriend in the world, and friends that make me laugh.  I may be stressed to the point of tears about school and projects, but that which brings me such sadness further emphasizes that which brings me joy.


Day #122: November 30, 2011
Today, I'm still grateful for friends who are generous and caring, who make me laugh through my pain.  I am grateful to have nearby family and far away family who loves me.  I am grateful to have a bed and an apartment to even be infested with bedbugs.  And I'm grateful for my loving God who is here and with me even when I feel most alone.

Day #156: January 3, 2012
We made it to New York... and MET DARREN CRISS!  We waited outside for 4.5 hours in 20 degree temperature.  Darren was so sweet- he yelled for quiet and thanked everyone and then jumped around in excitement.  I got to tell him congratulations.  He also told Alyssa he was giving her a mental hug, and she got a great picture with him.  We both got autographs.  I am sooo happy for Alyssa.  Very cold (and still shivering!) but quite an experience.


Day #249: April 5, 2012
There's a poetry blog on tumblr called "leaveyouapen" that I absolutely love.  The guy is such a beautiful writer.  He made a list of blogs that he recommended for people, and my blog was on it!!!  I could barely believe it.  I felt so honored to have ben noticed and promoted by my idol.  I also wound up with several new followers because of it.  I'm a little stunned.

Day #257: April 13, 2012
(excerpt... ;) )  NSAC IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm so unbelievably exhausted and happy.  After about 3 hours of sleep, we gave our presentation.  It's over.  I'm so proud of us.


Day #276: May 2, 2012
I woke up to discover that my favorite tumblr poet, leaveyouapen, reblogged my poem "Je te vois" last night.  He said it was brilliant, beautifully written, and a "breath-taking late night read."  Over the course of the day, people kept liking and reblogging it as well as my other poems.  I think it's up to 43 notes now.  I'm absolutely overwhelmed with joy and pride.  I'm so happy to have been recognized.  Getting reblogged by him was always a secret, unacknowledged goal of mine. :)

Day #294: May 20, 2012
Not sure what time it is-- we're somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean right now!  So far we have had very smooth flights.  We got a travel blessing from Fr. Jimmy yesterday.  I'm grateful that everything is going well so far and am confident that God will deliver us safely.  This will have to be a short entry- not much to say about today except lots of flying.  Thankful the opportunity.


Day #298: May 24, 2012
We drove the Ring of Kerry today- saw sights more beautiful than I can comprehend.  My camera can't capture everything my eyes saw.   We also made it to Blarney and kissed the Blarney Stone- I'm so proud of myself for doing that.  It was scary climbing up the spiral staircase and having to lean backwards to kiss it, but I'm glad I didn't let my fear stop me.  Still amazed at this beautiful country and all that it has to offer.

Day #312: June 8, 2012
Michael and I went to visit Maw Maw today.  We brought her Popeye's and ate dinner with her.  She really enjoyed it; she was very chatty today (...) She says the first thing she does when she wakes up in the morning is to recite MY social security number!  She's sharp.  I love my Maw Maw!


Day #315: June 11, 2012
Angela Giffin got engaged!!!  I'm so very excited and happy for it.  I'm also quite honored that she stopped by to tell me in person.  Her ring is absolutely gorgeous.  I screamed quite a bit when she told/showed me, as did my mother when she heard the commotion.  I'm so happy her moment has come.  She truly deserves this happiness.  I enjoyed hearing the story and seeing the pictures- just perfect.  Today's good thing is dedicated to our friendship and her future!

Day #318: June 14, 2012
Had dinner with Michael, Nick, and their parents.  I'm so stuffed with pho and eggrolls now.  It's evenings like this that make me realize how grateful I am for my two families, and how blessed I am to be loved by both my parents and his.  I'm so fortunate.


Day #321: June 17, 2012
Father's Day!  Dad made ribs for us to enjoy at lunch. (...)  I am SO grateful for my dad, who is truly an amazing father.  I only hope that I show this appreciation as much as I feel it.  I'm so blessed to have my dad and to have experienced life with him at my side.  I treasure our relationship so much.

Day #335: July 1, 2012
My poem from the other day- "A Platonic Tale of Two Friends"- has gotten over 100 notes on tumblr.  Triple digits.  None of my original content posts have ever achieved anything like this before.  It's outrageous.  I hope that I can do something with this in the future.  It has a featured tag and everything.  I'm just feeling overwhelmed and grateful, but mostly humbled.  I'm so glad I put myself out there.  This is what makes me happy.  This is what I feel I am meant to do.  


Day #341: July 7, 2012
(excerpt) St. Jerome celebrated Fr. Jimmy's 50th birthday and 20th anniversary of his ordination today.  I really enjoyed the event.  I love the people of our parish.  They have watched me grow up and have rooted for me in every aspect of my life, and have cheered for me and Michael the whole time.  It's an honor to be part of this parish family.

Day #345: July 11, 2012
(excerpt) While leaving work, I gave a homeless man $5.  He said the usual- "thank you, God bless, drive safe"- and then he said, "I love you!"  I looked right back at him and said, "Well, I love you too!" And I meant it, and he knew it.  The look on his face said it all.


Day #355: July 21, 2012
Spent the day with the Laurents.  Saw 3rd Batman movie- awesome, of course.  But the best part was, as always, the joy of seeing Miles.  He walks freely now, knows so many words, and is so chattery and giggly.  What an absolute godsend.  So full of energy and life.  I especially love when we all sit on his bedroom floor and Michael and I get to share the intimate moments before bedtime, making sure that love is the last thing he hears before he falls asleep.

The inside cover of my journal.   I kept my promise and am so very proud of myself and so aware of my blessings.  I've said it before, but it's worth saying again-- what a year.

OGTAD- 366 Days Later...

Wow.  Just... wow.  On August 1, 2011, I began a journey in the hopes that I could teach myself a lesson.  Wow.  I'm sitting here trying to think of the words to sum up all that I've learned.  I can't believe it's been a whole year, and at the same time, I can't believe it's been only a year.

Last summer, I was not in a very good place mentally.  I was in a pretty dark place, mentally, and struggling to escape and see any value to anything I did.  To get myself through, I started making myself list something good about my day each night before I fell asleep, but it wasn't enough.  I could hardly sleep for the anxiety and anguish that I was experiencing.  I finally decided that my little mental lists weren't enough.  I had to commit to the idea that not only did I have numerous things to be happy about, but that the world itself had numerous good things to offer.  I approached my beautiful friend Jessica and asked if she would embark on this journey with me of discovering, writing, and thus capturing one good thing about each day for an entire year.

We picked out our journals within the week.  I'll post a picture with my next entry of what the back cover wound up looking like after a year of being thrown around and dragged to different states, and even to a different country. ;)

First and foremost, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.  I was struggling and in a bad place, and I made the effort to live myself out.  I took a positive action to change myself and my views, and for that, I find a sense of accomplishment.  And I only missed one day out of the whole year (which I promptly wrote the next morning upon discovering my mistake)!

My ultimate goal was to change my outlook on life pretty permanently, through repetition-- forming a habit of noticing the good things surrounding me.  I couldn't take journaling anymore, as I often focused on the bad and negative things, lamenting over their influence on me.  I had to relegate myself to only good things.  And it worked.  During the day, I'd latch onto all sorts of good things, wondering if they were going to make my OGTAD journal that night.  Rereading old entries, I knew there were some days that bad things really did happen, but all I have left are the positive memories I wrote.  I started approaching my days differently, especially if I knew they were going to be tough or stressful: I had to come away with something good for my journal, even if I had to create something good just to have an entry.

It was, in a word, amazing.  I was no longer a pawn being moved by the day.  I had to play an active part in each and every day, which I suspect is how I should have been living my life since it began.  But I'm glad I caught myself sooner rather than later.

So, I'm not entirely sure where I'll go from here.  Part of me wants to test myself and see if I can keep this frame of mind without having to resort to a journal every night.  Have I truly developed a skill and a permanent mindset of seeing the good in my days?  Of being able to identify what I'm thankful for at the end of each day, without letting the anxiety take over shortly thereafter?  I'm also scared that maybe the answer is no-- and I don't want to slip back to the bad place again.

My journal still has a few blank pages left, so I figure I'll keep writing until those are all used up.  Buy myself some more time to make my decision.  I don't know yet.  What I do know is that this past year has been an absolutely incredible one, and I'm so grateful to have a book of awesome memories to keep.  I have learned so much about my life, and about life in general.

Tomorrow or Friday, I think I'll share some of my favorite "good thing" entries.  Stay tuned! :)